I saw a job on Indeed.com for a Specimen Collector at Aloha Toxicology in Honolulu, Hawaii. Here is my cover letter:
Let me start by simply stating I’d be awesome at collecting urine specimens. I can’t say I’ve ever been paid as a professional to watch while men urinate, but on an amateur level I’m told my performance was passable. And I once reported a crack addict for urinating on the hood of my car. I was not in my car at the time, my car was in my driveway at the time, and I saw it happening through my kitchen window. So my point is that, when the police came, I was so good at describing the culprit (tall, front teeth missing, yellow-stained Nikes, etc) that the police were marveled into exclaiming, “Sounds like half the people in your neighborhood.” When the police left, I also observed they did not collect any specimens for investigative purposes. See, I would have done that if I were them, and that is the kind of observational person you want to be collecting your specimens.
I also used to work for an airline that regularly urine-tested their employees to ensure none of us could be chemically induced into causing mass fatalities. So, while I have never collected specimens on a professional level, I have provided them many times. Mine all came out pretty clean except for that one time when all that morphine was traced back to an emergency room visit after I’d accidentally stabbed myself in the head while slicing lemons in the first-class galley of an L-1011. But that specimen was excused. By the way, that stab wound only took two butterfly stitches to mend, but they gave me so much morphine that I think it highlights my integrity that I didn’t continue stabbing myself in the head for years afterward in order to return for free fixes.
If fact, that company drug-test policy thoroughly put a damper on any plans to return to the cocaine habit I had during my community college years in the eighties. Turned out I liked being employed more than snorking the garbage-grade crap that passed for blow back then. Today, of course, I don’t do drugs because I don’t think I’d survive the shock to my system. I can’t go from packets of silt scraped off the floors of bus-station bathrooms to the turbo quality of today’s drugs. You have to work your way up to that level of tolerance, and I don’t have the patience for that. Today I can’t even drink a cup of caffeinated coffee without going into body shakes that can set off car alarms across the street.
I also noted a specific requirement for the position is that the applicant be of male gender. I submit I meet that requirement in that I am a 55-year-old female, which means I gender identify as “sexless and invisible,” the perfect qualities in a specimen collector! I’ll immediately detect any sample giver tricks, such as the old “fake genitals filled with clean urine” game. I’m prepared to test any suspected fake genitals by slapping them firmly. One slap and I’ll confirm if the genitals are fake or real (at the most two slaps) (maybe three). In fact, I’d consider it my duty and honor to spend the day slapping genitals for you. That there is dedication.
In conclusion, I am the perfect person for the job of Specimen Collector — a hard-working, gender invisible, slap-happy narco-pussy. Also, I’m tri-lingual, I can say, “Point your fake penis toward the cup!” in three languages. In addition, I am good at preventing fist fights, protecting Pit Bulls from being mauled by people, digging shallow graves and bending spoons with my brain. I’ll be happy to relocate, especially since Aloha Toxicology is located in Honolulu. I would pretty much soak in a Jacuzzi of dirty urine every day if it meant moving to Hawaii. Please hire me.