I saw a job opening for a “Whale Watch Supervisor” in Hawaii on Indeed.com, so I applied for it. Here’s my cover letter:
Hello. First, wow, this is the first I’ve ever even HEARD of a “whale watcher supervisor,” but I thoroughly believe it is definitely, without a doubt, absolutely probably the best job in the history of the universe. Does the whale-watcher supervisor get to have whale-watcher subordinates? Like lower-level whale watchers I’d get to boss around and tell things like, “Look over there! Did you see that WHALE?!?!?! IT WAS AN AWESOME WHALE! Next time make sure you see it or I’ll write you a stern reprimand.” Because if so I’d be good at that.
I also speak three languages. I can say, “JESUS GOD THAT’S A DAMN WHALE!” in English, Spanish and German. Germans would especially be amazed by whales. They don’t have whales in Germany. In fact, if it’s a slow whale day, I could point out a porpoise and say it’s a whale and they would not know the difference, trust me. I have never been a professional whale watcher, but I tried it as an amateur once and proved to have a knack.
Also, I used to be a flight attendant, which I know is almost the opposite of being a whale watcher because I worked three miles in the sky where there are hardly, if any, whales. But I did undergo safety re-certification training every year for 20 years, during which I had to prove I could save people’s lives by, among other things, performing CPR, putting out fires, operating a defibrillator, Heimlich maneuvering people (my favorite), stabbing people with epi pens (second favorite), secretly sedating babies behind their mothers’ backs (not really), negotiating with terrorists (seriously), disarming bombs (again seriously), evacuating passengers and surviving plane wrecks by outrunning the ball of fire barreling through the fuselage. I’m also very good at wrangling drunks. Believe me, I am definitely the person you want watching your whales.
I can also whistle like a dock worker, with two fingers. I have never NOT gotten a cab in NYC. I don’t know if this talent is important unless whales come when you whistle, but you never know, they’re smart creatures. Whistling also gets people’s attention, especially if the ship is full of selfie-obsessed tourists too busy doing duck lips to watch the ocean where the whales are. That there is a valuable skill. I’m also good at organizing and scheduling shifts, mainly because if anyone called in sick or had an emergency I’d cover their shift myself because OH MY GOD who wouldn’t want to watch whales every day of their life?
Also, I do not get sea sick. I’ve worked overseas flights where it felt like a giant drunk kitten was batting the plane around like a big ball of yarn, and people all around me erupting like vomit volcanoes, but not me! I’ve got a gut like a galvanized drum. I am also very good at NOT falling overboard. You would not believe how good I am at that. It’s only happened, at the most, MAYBE 11 times, but every single time it was on a booze cruise in Key West, where falling overboard is almost mandatory, so that doesn’t count. I consider myself having a clean slate when it comes to falling overboard in an official sense.
Also I’m good at diffusing tense situations, changing flat tires, making people laugh, pulling on ropes and hammering things. All attributes that make for an astounding Whale Watch Supervisor. Thank you for your time, consideration, and when do I start?