I saw a job on Indeed.com for a Chocolate Quality and Compliance Manager for Rocky Mountain Chocolates in Durango, CO. Here is my cover letter:
Hello. First, oh my GOD, you could scan the universe like a human hair trap and not find anyone better suited to be your chocolate-quality manager than me. I have lived in Zurich, Switzerland, where the chocolate tastes like a sunrise on your tongue. And I have lived in a trailer two miles north of Tijuana, Mexico, where the chocolate tastes like it’s made from melted dump-truck tires. Suffice it to say I know good chocolate, and I know bad chocolate, and will happily devour them both as my duty to you.
My expert process requires a bite at the beginning of each batch, and one at the end. And if it’s a batch of chocolate bunnies, I will need to bite off the ears and tails of the first forty or so before I’ll bestow my approval and wave the rest through.
Along with my sommelier-like expertise in chocolate quality assurance, I offer my considerable skills in chocolate manufacturing, which consists of having watched, exactly eleven hundred times, that I Love Lucy episode in which Lucy and Ethyl try to work the conveyor belt at the chocolate factory and end up stuffing their bras with bons bons because the belt was going too fast. But that will never happen with me. Those two only stuffed their bras because they ran out of room in their mouths. My mouth, I assure you, will never run out of room for chocolate.
In addition, I am very organized (even without medication), good at pointing out things in people’s teeth, tri-lingual (I can say, “Dang, this good-ass chocolate needs more macadamia nuts!” in Spanish, German and English), talented at fork-lift driving (probably), picking raisins out of bridge mix, disposing of used needles and basket weaving. I will happily relocate to Durango, CO, from the inner city of Atlanta, where my neighbors are in the habit of abandoning old mattresses in my back yard. Please hire me.