I saw a job opening on Indeed.com for an administrative assistant for a mountain guide company in Skagway, Alaska. Here is my cover letter:
Oh my GOD, I love Skagway, I love Alaska and this job sounds like the epicenter of all things awesome in the universe. I have a lot of administrative experience, I’m a genius at organization (my bathroom cabinet alone should be featured in magazines), I’m energetic (just today I successfully dove clear of a bus barreling through a cross walk) and a people person (which in resume speak means I’m patient with idiots). I’m also a foreign-language interpreter — I can say, “Holy Hell THAT’S A MOOSE!” in German, Spanish and English — I’m an accomplished speaker, writer, multi-platform marketing specialist, blar blar blar, all the stuff that impresses ineffectual mid-level managerial suck-ups, exactly the kind of people I can’t stand working for anymore.
But to work in Skagway for Alaskan Mountain Guides?? I would fall over backwards and foam at the mouth in gratitude. I’m pretty sure the pay is terrible, but who cares? The job is in SKAGWAY! For a MOUNTAIN GUIDE company! I, for one, cannot RESIST towns founded by bootleggers and whores! They are the best, most interesting, most colorful places on the planet. Please let me work for you! PLEASE! I live in Atlanta now, and I’m dying (probably literally) to get out of here. Yesterday somebody dumped a bunch of masticated chicken bones on my driveway. Just say the word and I’ll appear like a Leprechaun on your doorstep! At the ready to assist administration. Just tell me when to start.