5. “Christmas Conga,” by Cyndi Lauper. There is no better impetus for yakking up your holiday turkey than an eighties pop diva’s senseless Latin yuletide croak fest. “Bonga bonga bonga. Do the Christmas conga,” are lyrics that will increase the holiday suicide rate for sure.
4. “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” by John Mercer and Margaret Whiting. The song is the most blatant endorsement of date rape in the history of songwriting. The female lyrics actually contain the words, “What’s in this drink?
3. “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” by Dr. Elmo. Way to celebrate granny-cide, even if she was a drunk and demented, sloppy old shrew.
2. “Please Daddy, Don’t Get Drunk this Christmas,” by John Denver. Even though I have an unexplainable love for the late John Denver, this saccharine appeal from the perspective of an 8-year-old boy to his boozer dad is enough to suck all the fun out of the holidays.
1. “Christmas Shoes,” by NewSong. BARF! I hate this song with the intensity of a hundred suns! From the idiot kid who is in line to buy shoes rather than at the side of his dying mother, to the idiot narrator who hands over a couple bucks rather than alert the authorities that there’s an abandoned child panhandling in public, this song, from the first note, is nothing but a senseless montage of emotionally manipulative turds lined up to tug heartstrings. Below is Patton Oswalt’s deservedly viciously ripping it apart: