Oct 122017
 

I saw a job on Indeed.com for a Specimen Collector at Aloha Toxicology in Honolulu, Hawaii. Here is my cover letter:

Hello.

Let me start by simply stating I’d be awesome at collecting urine specimens. I can’t say I’ve ever been paid as a professional to watch while men urinate, but on an amateur level I’m told my performance was passable. And I once reported a crack addict for urinating on the hood of my car. I was not in my car at the time, my car was in my driveway at the time, and I saw it happening through my kitchen window. So my point is that Continue reading »

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Oct 122017
 

I saw a job on Indeed.com for a Bank Fraud Investigator for Plains Capitol Bank in Dallas, TX. Here is my cover letter:

Hello. Holy crap, I’d be the BEST bank fraud investigator EVER. I have gotten really good at spotting fraudulent banks. Until now it’s been because I deposited all my money with them, but that there just proves dedication. Take, for example, when Bank of America conveniently forgot I’d linked my checking account to my savings account for overdraft protection, then charged me $600 in overdraft fees. It took me only two months Continue reading »

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Oct 072017
 

I saw a job on Indeed.com for a Chocolate Quality and Compliance Manager for Rocky Mountain Chocolates in Durango, CO. Here is my cover letter:

Hello. First, oh my GOD, you could scan the universe like a human hair trap and not find anyone better suited to be your chocolate-quality manager than me. I have lived in Zurich, Switzerland, where the chocolate tastes like a sunrise on your tongue. And I have lived in a trailer two miles north of Tijuana, Mexico, where the chocolate tastes like it’s made from melted dump-truck tires. Suffice it to say I know good chocolate, and I know bad Continue reading »

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Oct 072017
 

I saw a job on Indeed.com for Dispensary Cannabis Store Manager, presented by Regis HR Group in Miami, FL. Here is my cover letter:

Hello. I was born to do this job. I mean, what a WONDERFUL reason to wake up every morning. The only job better than this on the scale of awesome jobs might, only just possibly, be subject of a science experiment in which my dopamine is measured after spending an entire day kissing Corgi puppies.

Plus, I would NEVER over-indulge in your store product. I haven’t smoked pot since the late 70’s, and between you and me I don’t think it was even really pot. It was just a bag sticks and seeds my friends and I paid five bucks for, and none of us knew how to roll a joint. Our joint was as tight and compact as a plastic sack of circus peanuts. When I took a hit I might as well have been sucking fumes from a burning sewage pipe clogged with Continue reading »

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Oct 072017
 

I saw a job opening for World Travel Coordinator for Ponte Travels in Seattle, WA, on Indeed.com. Here is my cover letter:

Hello. Just so you know, I’d rock holy hell out of this job, because who wouldn’t want to be a WORLD TRAVEL COORDINATOR? First, I’m an AMAZING coordinator AND I’m a serious world traveler. I’ve been everywhere except India, where I would have gone two years ago, but my daughter refused because she didn’t want to miss a slumber party (I swear this is true) (and it goes to show how much I’ve spoiled her travel-wise).

Soon she’ll be attending Berkeley, where until recently I planned to get a job as a cafeteria lady so I could embarrass her every day (“Hi, Honey, I think I can feel all my moles changing color”), but then she one-upped Continue reading »

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